Hailing from Indonesia to New York City at the age of 18, Cindy had to deal with unfamiliarity in a big city while missing her family. From feeling homesick to feeling home, how is her journey navigating the longing for home to finding her way back?
Read more to find out how her story unfolds one chapter at a time.
***
Chapter 1: Leaving the Familiar
My big family celebrated the holidays together. My best friend got married. My grandpa passed away.
And I was not there.
Instead, I was either too busy running to the closest subway station trying to catch the E train on my way to my first job interview in NY or too busy moving my furniture for the 7th time to my new temporary apartment.
My experience moving to New York City unfolded a little differently from the usual excitement and anticipation that other people usually feel.
After I graduated high school, all I wanted to do was to go to Bandung for college, where my parents also went. However, a twist of fate led me to the busy streets of New York. I was 18 when I moved to New York and learned how to pay rent and electricity, do laundry, and open my own bank account. I was unprepared for the abrupt shift from being pampered at home to having many responsibilities. On top of that, no one really prepared me for the homesickness that would accompany me on this journey.
I felt a lot of unfamiliarity and disconnection, which led me to constant homesickness. People sound different; they don’t speak the same language as I do. Everything tastes different, and nothing is quite as comforting as the flavors of home. The clothes I brought from home gave me a tangible connection to my childhood; sometimes, I refused to wash them because they smelled so familiar. Holidays were especially tough when everyone I love was on the other side of the globe. The joy of creating new memories with my husband sometimes coincides with the ache that I feel of longing for the presence of my family.
There are many reasons why one would feel homesick, but I’d like to think that the reason why I continuously yearn for home is because I often feel disconnected from the culture. Language barriers, cultural differences, societal norms, and unspoken expectations are some examples that caused the struggle for my belonging.
At the same time, I feel like I don’t belong back home either. I’ve missed too much: the newest news updates, movies and trends, milestones, and significant life events like weddings, birthdays, and even death. It almost feels like everyone has moved on except for you; you’re still stuck in the year when you left home. The first year or two was not bad. However, after a while, I felt myself becoming more distant. Being away in another country is a blessing and a curse, as I am developing new thoughts, ideas, and perspectives at the cost of being away from home. It inevitably transformed me into a different person. As this happens, a huge disconnect emerges with the people who shaped and defined my identity. Conversations become a struggle, as I am trying to catch up with everything, trying to fit in while also trying to maintain my identity. Oftentimes, I feel internally conflicted, lost, and lonely. I always feel like a visitor, like I never really belong anywhere. It feels like I am in orbit with no landing pad.
Chapter 2: Reflecting on “What is home?”
I reflect on questions like “Where do I belong?” or “What defines me as a person?” a lot.
I had to redefine what home means to me. Sometimes, we associate home with family, or the place where we spent our childhood and developmental years, where we’ve created our most significant memories, or the place that shaped our identity, or simply a place where it’s the most familiar to us. But every time I go home, the city changes a little bit more, people sound a little different, and it is hard to feel completely at home.
I was planning on being away from home for only a short period of time, but life surprised me in many ways. I got a job, continued my education, got another job, met my person, and got married. Unfortunately, things don’t always align with our initial plan. While my career and relationship bring me so much joy, they also create a challenge in which I am temporarily unable to return home.
So here I am, nine years later, and still away from home.
Cindy during Pemilu 2019 as Pantarlih NY. Source: Personal Documentation.
Even though many years have passed, the yearning for home remains a constant companion. And it may never fully dissipate. However, time has helped me develop a sense of growth and resilience. Eventually, I understood that home is not always a place nor people. It is an intimate journey with oneself. It is a state of being.
Chapter 3: Self-realization and Acceptance
I realized that home lies within us all. I was so worried about the future or the past, or questions like, “Which home should I go home to?” that I often forget to be in the present. So, I slowly found ways to be with myself by sitting with my feelings whenever I needed to and embracing the fact that I will always be split between two worlds.
I have accepted that there will be random days when I miss “home” so much, and I would allow myself to cry on those days. I have accepted the fact that I will miss out on significant life events, that I will lose relationships, and that my home country will always look a little different when I go back. I can’t be in two places at the same time. I learned to embrace all the truth and possibilities with grace and lightness.
“I’ve learned to find the balance between all my homes.”
Finding support through friends who are going through the same journey. Source: Personal Documentation.
Additionally, I have also learned to find support and connections with people who are going through the same journey. I check in with friends and families from back home every now and then. And finally, I meet myself with grace and compassion whenever I feel like I don’t belong. And with that, I have gained so much gratitude. I gained new perspectives where instead of seeing myself as “I don’t belong anywhere,” I see it as “I belong everywhere.” Because ultimately, home always lies within me.
***
Editor: Adibah